1.After a visit to the beer tent, a man at a classic car rally returns to his beloved Austin Princess, only to see that the roof and bonnet have been completely bashed in.

Looking around, he notices a group of middle-aged bearded men wearing straw hats and ribbons jumping up and down on another car parked nearby.

"Have you hooligans just wrecked my car?" yells the man.

"Oh no," they reply, "we're Morris dancers."




2.A man pulls up to the kerb and open his window, he calls to the boy on the pavement and tells him he'll give him ten quid and a bag of sweets if he gets in his car. the kid just tells him to sod off.

10m down the road he calls to the kid again and offers him £20 and a big bag of sweets to get in the car, the kid shouts at him to leave him alone.

a further 10m down the road he calls to the kid again and says "right, call it £100 and all the sweets you could ever eat!"

the kid replies "just naff off dad!! you bought the stupid Skoda you drive round in it!"

Nice one!

3.Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them, "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four".

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile", the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly, "Look at the papers - this car is designed to carry five persons".

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy, "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishmen reply angrily, "You idiot! Call your sergeant over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."


4.An MG Midget pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light. "Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the guy in the Rolls.
"Of course I do," replied the haughty deluxe-car driver.
"Well, do you have a fax machine?"
The driver in the Rolls sighed. "I have that too."
"Then do you have a double bed in the back?" the Midget driver wanted to know. Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off.
That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his car.
A week later, the Rolls driver passes the same MG Midget, which is parked on the side of the road - back windows fogged up and steam pouring out.
The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls and bangs on the Midget's back window until the driver sticks his head out. "I want you to know that I had a double bed installed," brags the Rolls driver.
The Midget driver is unimpressed. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"

Hehe!! Even better!

5.There was a middle-aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SLK.
He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and he enjoyed the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought, and floored it some more. He looked in his rear view mirror and there was a marked police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting. "I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man, and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 120-mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing," and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Police to catch up with him.

The Police pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said looking at his watch, "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked back at the officer and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a police man, and I thought you were bringing her back." The police man said, "Have a nice day."



6.A Mother and her young son were travelling in a taxi in London.
As they were driving through a rather seedy looking part of town, the boy became fascinated by the garishly made up women in short skirts and high heels who seemed to be accosting some of the men passing by.
"Mummy" the boy asked, "what are those ladies doing?"
The mother, clearly embarrassed by the question, replied: "I expect they're lost and are asking people for directions"
The taxi driver overhead this and interrupted: "why not tell me boy the truth, those women are prostitutes."
The mother blushed more brightly at this remark but the boy wouldn't let it go:
"What are prostitutes Mummy, are they like other women, do they have children too?"


"Of course" the mother replied, "that's where London taxi drivers come from."

Very good! Any non-car jokes???

He does seem to have a theme,

My theme is lame jokes, eg

Man walks into a bar ----------------------------- ouch

Nope I don't have any non car ones but I do have an endless supply of these ones :D

7.Tiger Woods drives his Volvo into a petrol station near Duluth while on vacation.
Ole, putting air in his tyre, greets him in a typical Scandinavian manner, unaware who the golf pro is. "Top o' da morning to you young fella!"

As Tiger leans over to get out of the car, two tees fall out of his top pocket onto the ground. "What are dey son?", asks Ole.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what would dey be for den?", inquires Ole.
"They're for resting my balls on while I am driving," says Tiger Woods.
"Jaysus",says Ole, "Dem boys at Volvo just tink of everything!"


8.A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan.

The business man then handed over the keys to an Aston Martin that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Aston into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked the car and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"

The business man replied: "Where else in NYC can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

Nice try Eyeball - Ive hard that one before, maily from Beaver Scouts!!!

The Tiger Woods Volvo one is my favourite!

Great jokes!

I only do lame, I have a large collection of them...

How invented fractions? ---------------------------- Henry VIII

Feel free to post them!

Heres one, taken from my huge personal jokebook:

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door

Four people are in a carriage of a train - an Englishman, Marylin Munroe, an old woman and a Frenchman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.

The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him"

Munroe thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him"

The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"

The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that Frenchman again"

According to the new rules, discrimination is not allowed, but seing as its only a joke, it does not really count!!! :P

Well lets get you warmed up with

A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Is the bar tender here"

Try to get the answers to these;

1. How do you catch a squirrel?

2. What do you call a fly with no wings?

3. What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common?

4. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

To get you started.

...and a note to finish on...

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods one day?

1. How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb the tree and act like a nut

2. What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

3. What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Their middle name

4. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck

Nice ones!

Exactly what I would have said.

Oh come off it, that was a little too fast really....wasn't it..?

We must have the same joke book (or warped mind).

The latter!

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2005/ex...hp?fromrelated=

Nice. that person must have failed that exam.

thanks...."mate"

Q: What did one Snowman say to the other?

A: Can you smell carrots?

Wasn't it "Have an Ice day!"

I got stung by a bee the other day....



















£20 for a jar of honey :angry:

No jokes since May? Times must be hard.


A man goes into a London bank and asks for a £5000 loan, for a business trip to te States. The manager agrees to the loan but says there must be some collateral. The guy says they can use his £250000 Ferrari, which is parked outside.

The manager examines the car's documents and then takes the car into the bank's underground area, before giving out the loan.

A week later the man comes back with the £1000 and £10 interest. "Hope you had a good trip" says the manager "but I'm curious to know why such a wealthy man as yourself needed a £1000 loan"

The man replies "where else in London can I park the car for a month for £10 and expect it to be there when I get back?"

I've heard that one before. Except it was an aston martin not a ferrari.

Infact that joke with the Aston is half way up the page!!!

Was it just you liked it so much? ::P

Oops. didn't know I'd done that one already.